I feel like hell...physically and emotionally. I'm honestly just a wreck and I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I just need to get back on my medication and go to counseling. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm so fucking tired of it all. I hate being up so late. I hate even more when I try to reach out for help (which is a rarity) and no one is there for me. What am I supposed to do? Why do I feel like this and why can't I shake it? Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
bellat248
I'm going to take a risk here and post everything on here so that it is readable to anybody that comes across it. Although the chances of anybody (let alone anybody I really know) taking an interest in reading this is pretty slim. The chances of me consistently writing in here are even more slim. I'm incredibly private about my personal life and letting others know how I feel. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable to expose myself like that to other people. I don't know how anybody can go around and tell everybody everything about themselves. It's not a bad thing, it's just something I don't know how to do (and honestly, don't really want to do.) Maybe it's my innate distrust of others, but I just don't know of many people I feel I could share everything with, without having to worry about the repercussions of whatever I say later on. I've been hurt by people that I blindly put faith into, by people who have used my past and my mistakes and my weakness against me. People snap and at times can be capable of incredibly cruel things. Everybody is capable of being cruel, and everybody has demonstrated that ability at one point or another in their lives. Maybe I'm not giving the human race enough credit - I know that there are some people who are amazing and wouldn't dream of hurting me. I just don't know who the majority of them are. I'm at first with deciphering whether a person is good or bad. You'd think I would, but no.
I don't really know where I'm going with this first entry. I just know that I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head and sometimes I need to put write them down and try to make sense of it all. I did have a journal on here before, but I deleted it. I couldn't stand reading back on what I had to say months ago. In some cases I hated where I was, or in others I hated where I am now compared to where I was. One thing anybody reading this will come to learn is that I have a love/hate relationship with myself. Sometimes I think I'm ok, and at other times I hate everything about myself and wish I was somebody else. There are some parts of myself that I absolutely hate all of the time though - it's something that I can't shake off. That hatred has pushed me to the edge of reason at times. The line between holding onto life and ending it. It's not my life that I hate, it's myself. Almost everything that keeps me up at night was born out of a bad choice (or a series of bad choices) that I have made. Maybe that should give me hope - that it's just me that I have to change and not everything else that surrounds me. I just feel like I need something that I'm not getting. I feel like when I talk people aren't really hearing me. I really don't think people listen to me when I say things unless it pertains to them in some way. If it's just about me I wouldn't be surprised at all if no one hear it. At least not anyone who wasn't being paid to hear me out.
Maybe I should just go to sleep and stop thinking. Maybe the problem is that for all the time I spend thinking I never actually accomplish very much. I don't even think any of this is making much sense anymore.
I'm so scared of getting hurt again that I've become one of those people I never really understood until now. One of those people who shies away from relationships because they can't deal with the pain that comes with having your heart broken all over again. I'm so reluctant to put my trust into anybody. I'm probably the most distrustful person I know. I don't know if I could handle another bad breakup right now. I'm not strong enough to, I'm not stable enough. Relationships destroy me. What's the point of being with someone if eventually it's just going to be the death of me (literally or figuratively, I don't know.)
I don't really know where I'm going with this first entry. I just know that I have a lot of thoughts swimming in my head and sometimes I need to put write them down and try to make sense of it all. I did have a journal on here before, but I deleted it. I couldn't stand reading back on what I had to say months ago. In some cases I hated where I was, or in others I hated where I am now compared to where I was. One thing anybody reading this will come to learn is that I have a love/hate relationship with myself. Sometimes I think I'm ok, and at other times I hate everything about myself and wish I was somebody else. There are some parts of myself that I absolutely hate all of the time though - it's something that I can't shake off. That hatred has pushed me to the edge of reason at times. The line between holding onto life and ending it. It's not my life that I hate, it's myself. Almost everything that keeps me up at night was born out of a bad choice (or a series of bad choices) that I have made. Maybe that should give me hope - that it's just me that I have to change and not everything else that surrounds me. I just feel like I need something that I'm not getting. I feel like when I talk people aren't really hearing me. I really don't think people listen to me when I say things unless it pertains to them in some way. If it's just about me I wouldn't be surprised at all if no one hear it. At least not anyone who wasn't being paid to hear me out.
Maybe I should just go to sleep and stop thinking. Maybe the problem is that for all the time I spend thinking I never actually accomplish very much. I don't even think any of this is making much sense anymore.
I'm so scared of getting hurt again that I've become one of those people I never really understood until now. One of those people who shies away from relationships because they can't deal with the pain that comes with having your heart broken all over again. I'm so reluctant to put my trust into anybody. I'm probably the most distrustful person I know. I don't know if I could handle another bad breakup right now. I'm not strong enough to, I'm not stable enough. Relationships destroy me. What's the point of being with someone if eventually it's just going to be the death of me (literally or figuratively, I don't know.)
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